Understanding the Psychology of Women in Divorce Financial Planning
Let's face it—divorce financial planning is tough. As a financial advisor, you're juggling the technical stuff like splitting assets and tax planning, but there's this whole other dimension that often gets overlooked: the psychological side of things. And trust me, it matters more than you might think.
Present vs. Future: Different Priorities After Divorce
One thing that really stood out in my recent conversation with divorce financial planning specialist Michael Kothakota on the Planning & Beyond™ podcast was how differently men and women approach money after divorce. It's not just anecdotal—there's solid research backing this up.
Women, especially those with kids, tend to zero in on immediate financial security. As I mentioned during our chat, "Women tend to be more concerned with their kids' lifestyle to a degree not really being interrupted. They want to be able to still provide and maintain a very similar lifestyle for their kids, potentially at their own detriment."
Michael confirmed this pattern from his research, noting that post-divorce, women typically focus on building emergency savings while men jump right back into retirement planning.
What does this mean for you as an advisor?
When you're sitting across from a female client who's recently divorced, understand that her focus on "Can I pay for my kid's field trip?" or "How will I handle back-to-school shopping?" isn't her missing the big picture. It's her dealing with her most pressing reality—and possibly her biggest emotional concerns too.
Why You Might Be Talking Past Each Other
Here's something Michael said that really hit home: "Planners in general, we focus on retirement, right? We tend to be very future-oriented... And there's a lot of male financial planners... and they're bringing a male perspective."
This creates an instant communication gap. When you immediately launch into future planning without acknowledging those present worries, your client might smile and nod, but inside she's thinking, "This person doesn't get my life at all."
Michael's advice is refreshingly simple: "Rather than saying, 'Okay, that's all important, but we need to focus on your future,' you have to spend a lot of time in that space... By listening, they're more likely to listen to you when you start to talk about the future."
Essentially what Michael is saying is, earn the right to talk about tomorrow by first helping with today. Something that I realize may not always be the easiest thing to do, especially if there are important planning decisions or actions to take.
Real-World Strategies: The Empathetic Advisor Approach
So what does this look like in practice? Here's how to put these insights to work:
Drop the judgment - As Michael emphasized, avoid labeling choices as "bad ideas" or "financially irresponsible." Instead, present options with their consequences: "Sure, you can do this, but here's what might happen. How do you feel about that?" People hear value judgments even when you don't intend them. By explaining the options and consequences to each AND following that up with asking how they might feel about those consequences puts them in the driver’s seat and demonstrates that you respect them.
Create a roadmap together - Let your client know what to expect: "In our first few meetings, we'll focus on your immediate needs. Then in about three months, we'll start looking at retirement planning." This reassures them that you're addressing their priorities while still creating a path forward.
Respect emotional timing - Sometimes the best financial advice is simply, "We don't have to decide this today." As Michael pointed out, giving people space often leads to better decisions: "If it's not urgent, you can say it's not urgent. We don't have to make the decision today."
Connect money to values - Rather than speaking in abstract financial principles, tie decisions to what matters to them: "You mentioned that sending your kids to college is really important to you. If we go this route, that might become more difficult. How do you feel about that trade-off?"
Team Up for Better Results
Michael's journey into divorce financial planning started when he realized the traditional adversarial approach to divorce wasn't serving anyone well. This led him to collaborative divorce work, where financial planners, attorneys, and mental health professionals work together.
If you're interested in developing these professional relationships, Michael suggests offering to lead joint meetings with attorneys to show how deeper listening and empathy can actually get better results. "Model some of these listening techniques, some of the empathy... if somebody's going through divorce, you cannot give them enough empathy."
This collaborative approach isn't just nice—it's effective. It creates a space where everyone's expertise contributes to better outcomes for the client.
Taking Care of You, Too
Perhaps my favorite piece of advice Michael offered wasn't about client interactions at all, but about advisor wellbeing. When I asked what wisdom he'd give his younger self, he emphasized "letting go of the outcome."
"Being able to let go of the outcome and the fact that it's not my decision what they do—they get to decide. I provide the best advice... And if it fails, it's not on me," he reflected.
This isn't just good self-care advice—it's essential for longevity in this field. Supporting clients through emotionally charged financial transitions can be incredibly rewarding, but it also requires boundaries that protect your ability to keep showing up fully for the next client.
Reflecting periodically on how YOU are doing mentally and emotionally in this work is just as important as giving great financial guidance.
The Bottom Line
When you recognize the unique perspectives and priorities women bring to financial planning after divorce, you can build stronger relationships and create solutions that address both today's needs and tomorrow's goals. It is entirely possible to be working on both of these goals at the same time.
The most successful advisors don't force clients to choose between feeling secure today and planning for tomorrow. Instead, they create bridges that honor current realities while gradually building toward future possibilities—an approach that works for anyone who may be navigating one of life’s hardest transitions.
What strategies have you found effective for working with clients in emotional transitions? How do you balance immediate needs with long-term planning in your practice? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.
